How Shame Becomes Entwined with a False Image

If we experienced shame for certain aspects of our being during childhood, we may internalise this shame and reject those parts of ourselves. We conceal these aspects because we find them shameful and unacceptable.

On the surface, we develop a persona, a false image of ourselves that we present to others. We believe that this image shields us from external shaming and rejection.

Does the False Image Contribute to Shame?

While the protective mechanism in the form of a false image may appear useful, internally, it only perpetually hurts the shamed part. The false part of us aligns with external shaming forces and wants nothing to do with the segment of our personality that was or is shamed. Often, we are not even aware of this mechanism.

What Constitutes Our False Image?

We all develop different false images based on our “shame type” and possibly based on the ideals and fantasies we’ve created in our minds. Some examples include:

• the ideal parent (father/mother)
• the ideal employee
• the perfect woman/man (wife/husband)
• the perfect daughter/son
• the spiritually evolved person
• the intellectually superior person…

If we or people around us strongly present any of these images, it usually means we are overcompensating for something we are ashamed of and insecure about. For instance, individuals who present themselves as spiritually evolved, “expressing” love for the entire world, often have suppressed negative emotions. In their minds, the ideal person is someone who is loving, peaceful, and above the world’s negativity. Consequently, on the surface, they exhibit behaviour resembling their ideal. Beneath the surface, however, one may discover anger, restlessness, and even hatred. To conceal and rationalize this “negativity,” the person may direct negative emotions toward those they perceive as causing misery in the world, all while maintaining their desired image of a spiritually evolved being.

If we persist in maintaining the false image, the shame will continue to reside within us.

Let’s, also, take a closer look at a quote from Robin Williams:

“All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to conceal an injured soul, and they will never notice how broken you truly are.”

He, too, chose to bury his pain deep within, and regrettably, the pain eventually became overwhelming.

How to Overcome Shame – False Image Dynamics

The repetitive pattern of internal shaming and presenting a false image can indeed be transformed. Through the Paradox-x practice, we have discovered that the following steps can be beneficial:

• Acknowledge to ourselves what we are ashamed of (and consider sharing it with someone we trust).
• Be open to experiencing and expressing our emotions.
• Recognize our true desires or choices, regardless of others’ opinions.
• Cultivate our integrity – be honest about who we are and be ready to uphold and act upon it, even in the face of external influences.

In certain instances, shame may be deeply ingrained, and structured support may be necessary to overcome it. Such support can be found through Paradox-x professionals.